Jesus, the Italian


Amanda díAquino

     Four Italian youths gathered outside a neighborhood stoop.  Vinny, dressed in blue jeans and a white t-shirt began, "Okay listen up, listen up guys. Iíve been thinking-"

     "Now why you doin that again? Huh?" Joey interrupted. "Remember last time you had a thought? It took us two weeks to get your popís car back.  Remember?"

     The boys howled. "Yeah, yeah I remember.  But this is important, alright? You creeps wanna hear this or what?" Vinny retorted.

     "Yeah Yeah, we wanna." Jimmy answered, lighting a cigarette.

     "I," Vinny paused, "have come to a revolution."

     "A what?!" asked Tony, popping his head up from his dice game.

     "A revolution, you know, you know."

     "What, is your fancy junior college teaching you big words now or somethin? Huh?" Joey baited.

     "No muffler for brains," Vinny continued, "a revolution. You know, when out of no where- BAM. Itís just hits ya and then everythin makes sense."

     "Ohh a revolution," the group answered.

     "Yeah, a revolution. I was down at the garage workin on this 454, beautiful piece of machinery. And then all of a sudden-BAM it hit me."

     "Your revolution?" inquired Jimmy, taking a hit off his cigarette.

     "No the tailpipe. Smacked me right in the head, knocked me out cold. But when I came to, there it was, my revolution."

     "So what it is? Huh?" asked Joey.

     "Yeah, what the fuck is it?" questioned Tony.

     "Jesus," paused Vinny, "is an Italian."

     "What?" laughed the group.

     "You been closing the garage door with the engine on again, Vinny?" Jimmy teased.

     "No, no creeps. Will you listen alright already. Jesus, heís Italian."

     "Is he from Brooklyn or Queens?" Joey heckled.

     "You donít believe me?" Vinny asked pointing to himself. "Okay, well then explain me something, alright?  You guys ever think about this? Who you think is a better Catholic than an Italian? Huh?"

     "Ainít no one a better Catholic than an Italian." Jimmy announced.

     "Yeah, yeah.  Italians are the best Catholics."  Stated Joey, clasping his crucifix, dangling from a thin gold chain.

     "Okay then who do you think is a better Catholic than Jesus? Huh?" Vinny inquired.

     "No, no-Jesus wasnít a Catholic. Okay? I know this one. He was a Jew." Tony added.

     "What? Yous sayin Jesus ainít a Catholic? Tony, whoís in that church every single day, at every mass, even on Friday nights? Huh? Itís Jesus screwball," Vinny paused. "Jesus is the best Catholic, therefore Jesus is an Italian.."

     "Well if Jesus is Italian, how come the Pope is Polish? Huh? Heís a pretty good Catholic, Vinny." Joey added.

     "Yeah, how about that Vinny?" Tony asked.

     "Hey," Jimmy interrupted, "Ainít no one perfect alright? Show some respect already."

     The groups nodded, signing the cross.

     "Yeah well Vinny, that still donít make no sense to me.  Okay?  That donít prove nothin. Jesus ainít Italian." Joey contested.

     "Yous still donít believe me, huh? Kay Ďnon believersí, answer me this: What is Jesus drinking at supper, passin around, huh?" Vinny asked.

     The group thought. "Heís drinkin wine, Vinny," Tony answered.

     "Yes! Yes he is Tony.  Very good.  Now you tell me, name one Italian family who donít have a glass of wine at supper? Huh? You canít. Cause everyone knows Italians drink wine at supper.  You ainít Italian if you ainít drinkin wine.  Jesus drank wine at supper, therefor Jesus is Italian."

     "Vinny, lots of people drink wine at supper.  Itís ainít that special."  Jimmy disputed.

     "No, no Vinny. Itís just one of those conquistadors." Tony stated.

     "What?" the group asked.

     "You know, you know. Conquistador. When two things look like they go together, but they really donít, a conquistador."

     "Oh a conquistador, like Johnny the Bulldozer owing money to the mob, and the next day he accidentally got run over?" Joey asked.

     "Yeah yeah, a conquistador."  Tony added.

     "Kay I got one last question for you creeps, alright?" Vinny began, "You read your Bible?"

     "Yeah I read my Bible," answered Joey.

     "Me too Vinny," Jimmy added.

     "Kay in the Bible, it says that Jesus, he perfect right?" Vinny asked.

     "Yeah, right." Said Tony.

     "Yeah, yeah.  Thatís what it says," Joey agreed.

     "Hey, he not only perfect," Jimmy began, "He in-fa-net-ly perfect."

     "Thatís right, Vinny."  Tony said, nodding his head.

     Vinny paused and turned to the group, "Bam, heís Italian."

The End